


she's just like the weather (can't hold her together)

by thesoutheastcore



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Depression, F/F, F/M, Female Sirius Black, Female-Centric, Non-Linear Narrative, Queer Character, basically sirius needs a hug, set in the summer after sixth year
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-06-07 00:14:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6776053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesoutheastcore/pseuds/thesoutheastcore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black has always been a girl. This, unsurprisingly, complicates things.<br/>---<br/>Sirius sits in the corner of the bar, her leather jacket wrapped tightly around her, watching the men with broad shoulders lean against the counter. Watching the women cross their legs, driving the hems of their skirts further up their thighs. She itches to do something irresponsible.<br/>Remus would disapprove, she supposes, but then again Remus isn't her keeper.<br/>Or her friend, it would seem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	she's just like the weather (can't hold her together)

**Author's Note:**

> I'll put triggers at the beginning of every chapter but pretty much for all of them it'll be along the lines of:  
> -underage drinking/recreational drug use  
> -underage sex  
> -attempted sexual assault  
> -depression  
> -mild eating disorder (talk about throwing up and not eating properly)
> 
> This fic is pretty much just me expressing my need to have a female bisexual Marauder. And come on, it would obviously be Sirius.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Foggy Eyes by Beat Happening

Her bare feet made no noise against the creaky old floorboards as she crept along them, the hem of her robe trailing behind her, catching on debris and pulling long white threads from the bottom. It was especially cold in the castle for mid-June, a mere day before the end of the school year, when she’d have to go back to her parents house in the city. Despite the cold Sirius left her robe open, had not bothered to put on socks or shoes when she left her dormitory just minutes ago. Tendrils of hair fell into her face, pulled from the braid when she had been tossing and turning restlessly in her bed, waiting until the clock struck midnight to creep out of her dorm. 

She knew what was waiting for her on the third floor, in the empty classroom that no one bothered to lock anymore having gone unused for so many years. She had never before been so nervous to speak to James - not when she told him about her parents or the scar hidden behind her left ear, not when she told him about the girl in France with the blonde hair and soft thighs worrying all the while that his face would twist into one of disgust. Her palms were damp as she pushed on the handle of the door, wincing as the door frame protested with a low creak. 

James was already in the classroom, leaning against the cold stone wall and looking out the window at the dark campus. He didn’t look up when Sirius entered the room, but she can see his shoulders tense, and he shifted his weight awkwardly.

“I suppose I’m sorry doesn’t mean much now, does it?” Sirius asks, still standing in the door frame, the cold air blowing in from the hallway and making the hairs on her bare arms and legs stand up. She shivered minutely, but made no move to close the door behind her.

“No,” James said shortly. “And I’m not the one you need to apologize to anyway.”

“Remus won’t look at me let alone let me apologize to him.”

There’s a long silence in which Sirius doesn’t move except to shift from foot to foot, still holding onto the cool iron handle of the door. James moved from his spot near the window to sink onto a bench and lean his head into his hands, his elbows digging into the wood of the table. 

“Why did you do it?” James mumbled into his hands. Sirius considered pretending that she didn’t hear the question. It’s not one that she wants to answer.

She slumped against the door frame for a moment before shutting the door behind her and moving to sit across from James. The cold wood digs uncomfortably into her ribs when she leans against it, and she wants to reach across the bench to touch James. She doesn’t though, keeps her hands gathered in her lap and tries to will some of that Gryffindor courage into being. 

“I --” 

“Did you even stop to think about what could have happened to Remus?” James snaped, still refusing to look at her as he had for the past week.

Sirius clasped her hands tighter together. “If I had… I never would have done it. I wasn’t thinking -”

“No, that much is obvious.”

“I’m not proud of it James,” she snaped, flicking a wayward piece of hair out of her face. “I never wanted to hurt you, and I never wanted to hurt Remus, and I -” she stops herself before she can even think of Snape, not trusting what she’ll say. “I realize that I can’t make up for this, but I’m still going to try.”

“Merlin,” James said, rubbing his face with the palms of hands, knocking his glasses askew. He looks for the first time directly at Sirius, meeting her gaze head on. “I still don’t understand why Sirius.”

She thinks of telling him about the whispered taunts that they were going to “teach a bloodtraitor like Black a lesson”, of the sudden hazy feeling in her head and the fingers creeping up her thighs and under her skirt. But this is the one thing she can never tell James, because even after all the other secrets she has shared with him over the years, she doesn’t even know how to begin telling him this one. Sirius pressed her lips together and ignored the prickling feeling behind her eyes. She can feel the tension in the air as James waited for her to answer, but she’s afraid of what will come out if she opened her mouth. 

Sirius considered, for a moment, lying to James. But he would know.

“Dammit Sirius,” James shouted in frustration, slamming his hands down on the wood in front of him. He got up quickly, the bench wobbling dangerously as he stalked out of the room, presumably back to his dorm. Sirius knew she should follow him but all she could hear was the blood rushing in her ears, and instead she laid her forehead down on the cool table and breathed in and out slowly, trying to forget all the things she couldn’t tell James.

It isn’t until Sirius’ breathing steadied that she pushed herself into a standing position, and walked back to her dorm, where she knew she’d spend the night staring at the ceiling of her four poster bed, unable to fall asleep. Where she knew Lily would wake up in the morning and give her that same look of quiet, unspoken concern before she'd head down to breakfast with Mary. Where Sirius knew that she’d have to insist that she’s not hungry, that she’ll eat later, if only to avoid being seen in the Great Hall.

Anyway, it’s not like Sirius will actually be hungry anyway. She could once have ate more than James, Peter, and Remus combined, but these days it feels like there’s a constant pressure on her chest that makes it impossible for her to eat anything. Most of the times she tries to eat a full meal she ends up on her knees in the girls lavatory, throwing up until there’s nothing left but a bad taste in her mouth.

When Sirius does get back to her dorm she tiptoes around the mess on the floor from the girls earlier attempts to pack before they all gave up, and crawls into her bed, lying on top of the covers and trying to muster up the strength to draw the curtains closed. From the other side of the room, there’s a rustling noise.

“Black?” Lily whispered, and Sirius turned her head to see the girl rubbing at her eyes and sitting up. “Are you okay? Where were you?”

“I’m fine Evans,” Sirius whispered back, her voice sounding hoarse as if from overuse. “Go back to sleep.”

Sirius reaches up and draws the curtains closed, her world going black before her eyes adjusting. And despite the barrier in between them, Sirius can still feel Evans' piercing eyes on her.


End file.
